Copy
Jaguar Bennett stand-up comedy at the 2015 Rogue Festival
View this email in your browser

Jaguar salutes evil at the 2015 Rogue Festival!

 

To all subjects of Jaguaria, greetings!

 

Creepy, isn't he?The 2015 Rogue Festival is just two weeks away, so mark your calendars to see my all-new stand-up comedy show at the Rogue, “How to Be Wicked: The Easy Course for Beginners.”

 

“How to Be Wicked” is about a subject near and dear to my heart—evil.

 

Morality is a lie. Trying to do good simply makes you an annoyance to others, but doing evil will bring you long-lasting satisfaction, happiness, and love.

 

Are you disappointed with your career? Your love life? The endless ennui of your increasingly pointless existence that torments you while you stroke a loaded pistol sensuously against your cheek, thinking yearning thoughts about your secret lover, death?

 

There’s a better way! Don’t harm yourself—harm others! “How to Be Wicked” will show you the easy way to get more out of life by ruthlessly taking whatever you please, without caring about who you hurt in the process! You will learn how morality is a weapon designed to enslave you, how to defeat the malicious deceptions of good people, and how to use applied evil to achieve success in business, relationships, and even the bedroom. It’s like studying Nietzsche, but in easy-to-understand comedy form!

 

Caution! This show is adults only, because your children’s innocence will be permanently annihilated by the radiating corruption and evil that is Jaguar Bennett. Plus, there may be dirty jokes.

 

Showtimes are:

 

Friday, February 27, at 10:15 p.m.

 

Saturday, February 28, at 5:30 p.m.

 

Thursday, March 5, at 9:00 p.m.

 

Saturday, March 7, at 8:00 p.m.

 

All performances are at Veni Vidi Vici, 1116 N. Fulton, in Fresno’s Tower District.

 

Tickets are $5. And here is some fantastic news for Rogue fans—they finally got rid of those incredibly stupid Rogue Bucks! You can now pay in cash, debit, or credit, right at the door of the venue, just like God intended. Tickets will be on sale at the door 30 minutes before the performance. And for added convenience, you can buy tickets online at http://roguefestival.ticketleap.com/jaguarbennett/.

 

But it wouldn’t be the Rogue Festival if they didn’t add new chickenshit rules to replace the old. This year, to get into any Rogue venue, you need a Rogue Wristband. These remarkably unstylish Lance Armstrong–style wrist tourniquets cost only $3, and they provide vital funds for the Rogue producers to waste on alcohol. You can buy your official Rogue Festival Mark of the Beast™ at any Rogue venue, or buy one online at http://roguefestival.ticketleap.com/wristband/

 

Wearing a Rogue Wristband will be enforced by Nazis armed with steel riding crops, so get yours now or face the consequences!

 

For virtually no useful information, visit my website, www.jaguarbennett.com. You can also be harassed by me via Twitter by following me @jaguarbennett.

 

More cyberbullshit! You can also make comments, complaints and threats of violence about “How to Be Wicked” on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram using the hashtag #jagwicked.

 

And if that wasn’t 21st Century enough, you may have noticed that you are now getting News from Jaguaria via MailChimp. Why? More applied evil! I can now track your every move while you read these emails and sell your personal information to the Nigerians, which I am sure will give some of you extremely helpful information about curing erectile dysfunction.

Cyberstalk Jaguar!

Jaguar's Twitter
Jaguar's Twitter
Jaguar's Website
Jaguar's Website
You are receiving this message for no reason. It’s just one more random event in a lifetime of random events, no more meaningful than the car crash or your fourteenth birthday. Try to remember—when was the last time you actually FELT something? It was so long ago, you can’t even imagine what the sensation was like. That time at the beach ... before they said those cruel, hateful, hurtful words. But that was so long ago, and for many years it was more comforting not to feel. To try, if possible, not to be anyone at all. But every so often, you feel a vague, uneasy panic, when something reminds you that you used to be a human being. The cutting helps. And the pills. But now you’re faced with a mysterious dilemma. You have received an invitation to a comedy show. You could go, of course. To pretend, for a little while, that laughing at the idiotic antics of a clown can fill the howling emptiness inside of you. There will be people, of course, but drinking always helps with people. It might be ... oh, I don’t know .. fun? Kind of? But your mind drifts away at the horror of thinking that you might receive another invitation. And then a flood of more emails, all telling you about exciting, thought-provoking, cutting-edge theater and entertainment in the greater Fresno area. And you don’t know if you can stand it. Do you even have the strength? You stare at the screen, not knowing whether to go see this fool, or to just delete this email. Your cursor hovers toward the opt-out link toward the bottom of the screen. You could do it. You could make the emails stop. You could take action and declare that you no longer wish to be informed about plays, or comedy, or arts events. You could finally cut off your last connection with the human race, and stay safe with your bottle and the Hummel figurines you bought one night from QVC. But either way, to reply or to delete or to opt out, it’s one more mouse click than you think you can stand, and you simply don’t know what to do.
Copyright © 2015 Jaguar Bennett, All rights reserved.