Jaguar salutes evil at the 2015 Rogue Festival!
To all subjects of Jaguaria, greetings!
The 2015 Rogue Festival is just two weeks away, so mark your calendars to see my all-new stand-up comedy show at the Rogue, “How to Be Wicked: The Easy Course for Beginners.”
“How to Be Wicked” is about a subject near and dear to my heart—evil.
Morality is a lie. Trying to do good simply makes you an annoyance to others, but doing evil will bring you long-lasting satisfaction, happiness, and love.
Are you disappointed with your career? Your love life? The endless ennui of your increasingly pointless existence that torments you while you stroke a loaded pistol sensuously against your cheek, thinking yearning thoughts about your secret lover, death?
There’s a better way! Don’t harm yourself—harm others! “How to Be Wicked” will show you the easy way to get more out of life by ruthlessly taking whatever you please, without caring about who you hurt in the process! You will learn how morality is a weapon designed to enslave you, how to defeat the malicious deceptions of good people, and how to use applied evil to achieve success in business, relationships, and even the bedroom. It’s like studying Nietzsche, but in easy-to-understand comedy form!
Caution! This show is adults only, because your children’s innocence will be permanently annihilated by the radiating corruption and evil that is Jaguar Bennett. Plus, there may be dirty jokes.
Friday, February 27, at 10:15 p.m.
Saturday, February 28, at 5:30 p.m.
Thursday, March 5, at 9:00 p.m.
Saturday, March 7, at 8:00 p.m.
All performances are at Veni Vidi Vici, 1116 N. Fulton, in Fresno’s Tower District.
Tickets are $5. And here is some fantastic news for Rogue fans—they finally got rid of those incredibly stupid Rogue Bucks! You can now pay in cash, debit, or credit, right at the door of the venue, just like God intended. Tickets will be on sale at the door 30 minutes before the performance. And for added convenience, you can buy tickets online at http://roguefestival.ticketleap.com/jaguarbennett/.
But it wouldn’t be the Rogue Festival if they didn’t add new chickenshit rules to replace the old. This year, to get into any Rogue venue, you need a Rogue Wristband. These remarkably unstylish Lance Armstrong–style wrist tourniquets cost only $3, and they provide vital funds for the Rogue producers to waste on alcohol. You can buy your official Rogue Festival Mark of the Beast™ at any Rogue venue, or buy one online at http://roguefestival.ticketleap.com/wristband/
Wearing a Rogue Wristband will be enforced by Nazis armed with steel riding crops, so get yours now or face the consequences!
For virtually no useful information, visit my website, www.jaguarbennett.com. You can also be harassed by me via Twitter by following me @jaguarbennett.
More cyberbullshit! You can also make comments, complaints and threats of violence about “How to Be Wicked” on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram using the hashtag #jagwicked.
And if that wasn’t 21st Century enough, you may have noticed that you are now getting News from Jaguaria via MailChimp. Why? More applied evil! I can now track your every move while you read these emails and sell your personal information to the Nigerians, which I am sure will give some of you extremely helpful information about curing erectile dysfunction.